As I sit here tonight struggling through another frustrating lupus flare – it’s like rolling the dice, you never know what combination its’s going to land on- extremely dehydrated, swollen, exhausted from iron deficiency, AND might as well throw in the feeling of a small ice pick stabbing me in the neck. That one’s always super fun. 😁 It never ceases to surprise me how quickly we can become conditioned or adapt to certain struggles or pain; it’s like the body’s way of coping and surviving. Usually when this happens we are actually getting stronger with each trial. It’s the same methodology used when working out. No pain no gain. It hurts now but you’ll thank me later when you have abs of steel. I wish I could say that’s what happens with chronic illness but unfortunately, body-wise, that has not been the case for me. My body feels beaten up, tired and worn down most days. Not to mention my abs are softer, my muscles are definitely less defined, and my time at the gym has diminished greatly. But that’s a totally other blog post. Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for my daily walks with Chachi, monthly hikes and an occasional spin class. These are all major blessings considering there are days I am just fighting to be up and dressed. I really didn’t set out to talk about physical fitness woes or abs of steal (I’ve let that dream go for now).
What was really pressing in on me tonight was this immense feeling of hurt- and no I don’t mean the mini ice pick in my neck- It’s the kind of hurt that doesn’t even feel localized to your heart, it feels like its running through your veins. At first I thought it was because of my recent trek into the dating world (totally painful but in a more boohoo heartache kind of way) but now I’m starting to realize that pulsing, rushing pain is actually…supreme disspoinment. I always had this idea in my mind for so long of the woman I wanted to be and the life I needed to live to be that woman. I must be extremely successful and do something worthwhile with my life or else I am a dismal failure. And of course failure is beyond earth-shattering so that just can’t happen. Somehow this grand idea that pain and suffering is actually being beneficial and making me a better person was getting me through the last 5 years or so. Truth be told… I’m totally over that now. I can’t pretend I’m sitting here cultivating this extreme depth of character when really anything good or of worth that has ever been or will ever exist in me is solely reliant on Jesus. As much as I would like to take credit for some wisdom gained over the years, I truly know better. Sometimes I catch myself thinking and I’m just astounded at the ridiculousness of my ruminating thoughts and don’t even get me started on making decisions. That’s a whole other mess. At least I did decide to finally go back to school and get my degree. But still, I can’t quite get over myself…. How am I going to turn this into my grand, life-alrtering, successful adventure… I guess I’ll have to get back to you on that one.
It seems, quite possibly, that life may be about the day-to-day, moment- by-moment experiences, as opposed to the 5 year plan I always employed. I will be totally up front with you, I love planning and I love lists and I hate flying by the seat of my pants, but somehow along the way I ended up here; never knowing how I’m going to feel or what I am going to be able to do each day. I have recently decided to look at my daily life as adventurous and unpredictable rather than scary and unreliable. It’s amazing how powerful our words are, especially what we say to ourselves. The Bible does remind us..”life and death is in the power of the tongue.”- Proverbs 18:12
So speak things that encourage life, not those negative things that break it down. I’m still very much a ‘work in progress’. As I’m sure is abundantly clear from this post and all my previous blatherings. The good thing is, there are two really good words in that phrase; Work and Progress. If you are feeling worn down, disappointed or even like a house ripped down to the studs, I encourage you to focus on those words. It may not make sense to you now but the One with the blueprints knows what He is doing; trust the True Builder. He specializes in full restorations. I’m counting on it.
“Unless the LORD builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain.”- Psalm 127:1