Feelings are stupid….

I was just having a conversation yesterday with my mom about the difference between loving someone and being ‘In Love’.  Is it just the element of romance or is it more than that? I’m not sure we came to a conclusion but one thing I do know, it’s impossible to have love without pain. I find it ironic that I specifically named my blog Love Always Kristin as a reminder to myself to not shut my feelings off but be more open to the element of love. I am really rethinking that right now. 😁
Then I thought, I should write a blog post about all of this, considering I do have some specific thoughts on it, but my heart is pretty tender right now and all I could think is, it would hurt way too much to go there. Not only do I not want to be feeling all these feelings that I’m feeling but do I really want to analyze them even more by writing about them?….I suppose since I’m willing to listen to the new Adele album on repeat (track 6 at the moment being my drug of choice) then I might as well admit it, I’m just a glutton for punishment….so let’s do this….
While I appreciate everyone’s thoughts on the matter of love, I think it boils down to this main thing: We’ve all been hurt by love and yet, we all need it. Most times this need out-ways the risk of pain associated with love and vulnerability. Eventually we will all give in. So that being said; there will always be the highs and lows of love, the butterflies and heartbreak, the ‘real thing’ and the ‘not-so real thing’. The worst part of it all in my opinion is, navigating through all of these unknown seas. What may look to be like safe waters can turn out to be the Bermuda Triangle. Once you’re there in the middle of it, it’s too late to turn back and you just have to hope to make it out alive. I guess that’s a little dramatic but I happen be in the middle of some pretty rough waters right now and most days I’m unsure if I’ll make it to the other side in tact or will I just wash up on shore in pieces.
Maybe not all love has that effect but for me, in this place, I feel completely broken apart; and the idea of being put back together seems insurmountable.

I’m sure there are plenty of good sailing days ahead for the majority of us but the truth is, there’s always going to be a storm and uncharted seas to go through at some point. Does that mean we should jump ship, find an island to be deserted on and give up on the whole love and feeling thing? Well, yes you could actually. I’ve known plenty of people who have. I even tried it for 14 years or so…it wasn’t as lonely as you might think. But, herein lies the problem….Inevitably someone will stumble upon your perfectly secluded island and then all of sudden you’re forced to feel, care, communicate, and love. Why? because thats what people do and that’s what we were meant to do.

Summed up: We weren’t meant to be alone. Yes, in some respects it is easier but is it really better? Can struggle produce strength? Can longing produce faith? Can pain produce joy? Is love really worth it?
My hope is that it is. Is there anything better than being fully known and fully loved for who you really are? No, nothing better.
My prayer is that one day we will all be made complete in this kind of love. And then, all the rest of this mess will just be history.


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